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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24802885">When sad days last longer</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonie_mars/pseuds/Moonie_mars'>Moonie_mars</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Choi Soobin-Centric, Cute Huening Kai, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Psychologists &amp; Psychiatrists, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Huening Kai, Soobin loves hyuka with all hisheart even if he doesnt know how to help, Whipped Choi Soobin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:00:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,982</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24802885</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonie_mars/pseuds/Moonie_mars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Soobin got out of his apartment that cold August day, with fear tearing at his heart and longing making him feel weak.</p><p> The hospital was the same as always, bleak and silent, but its scenery was something soobin got familiar with for the last six months.</p><p>-</p><p>Kai looked fragile</p><p>Sitting in a far corner close to the window with the flowers outside, drowning in the sweater soobin had given him for his birthday just a week earlier,  with his knees close to his chest as if he was trying to make himself look smaller.</p><p>The image made something light up inside of Soobin's chest a fire of some kind that burned him more than it gave him warmth, and with one last breath he walked towards the younger</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Soobin/Huening Kai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>When sad days last longer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello!!! Glad to see you all here for another one of my fics, like you might notice things haven't been so well lately if we're speaking in an emotional sense, so I wrote this little thing in the middle of the night and wanted to share it.<br/>If you are waiting for any updates on some other fics of mine okease do wait a little more I promise I'll do my best to update as soon as I can, thank you for reading and I hope you all enjoy it </p><p>WARNING: It mentions suicide and depression please read the tags, but there is nothing too bad, it's just mentioned briefly</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Soobin smiled, one of those polite things you do out of habit that lack real meaning, the guard nodded back at him, nothing out of the ordinary, just like it always happened when he came to visit, the voice of the nurse took him out of his thoughts, Soobin lifted the strap of his bag over his head giving it to the other guard to inspection.</p><p>The morning air that August was bitter cold, signalling the incoming autumn, and while normally Soobin wouldn’t leave his bed on a Saturday morning like this, it was the 21st of the month, so it meant he had to do his bi-monthly visit, tae said it was force of habit, that he didn’t have to do this every two weeks or so, that the younger would understand if he missed one day, that it would be no problem at all.</p><p>“here” Soobin was given his phone, the paper bag containing egg tarts and the book he brought for the younger, a nurse gave him his pass and slip of paper for his bag for when it was time to leave, Soobin smiled again, tired eyes closing for a second; they knew him well enough by now, after six months it was a little hard not to learn their names or for them not to smile at him from time to time too.</p><p>Somewhere deep inside him grumbled with bitterness and maybe even anger, he didn’t want to be seen as a pity case, but it was kind of inevitable after so long, they didn’t say anything more than good morning, and he didn’t dare to call them out on the pity that was clearly edged into their face.</p><p>Soobin walked down the hallway, pocketing his phone and following the path he already memorized months before, the room where visits happened was close to the garden, the silvery light of the day illuminating the whole room where several tables and couches were crammed inside, flowers wilting in some side tables giving an even more depressing image to it all.</p><p>Soobin could see some familiar faces, gaunt and pale, some with lost eyes and messy hair, the brunet saw more dark circles underneath dead eyes than he wanted to admit. He pushed the small sense of pity away, knowing better than to actually dive into the feeling, they didn’t want pity, none of them, Soobin was sure they would prefer anger over pity, harsh words over fake sweetness.</p><p>Soobin found the pair of tired eyes he wanted to see just at the corner of the place, near the windows where several flowers could be seen gracing the glass from time to time Because of the wind outside, Soobin wanted to feel relieved, wanted to feel something akin to happiness or excitement, but all he could grasp from the storm inside his chest was sadness, deep and grey, putting a filter over the whole image.</p><p> </p><p>Kai looked fragile. </p><p> </p><p>Even from there, all Soobin could see was loss.</p><p> </p><p>Kai didn’t turn to look at him when he approached, he stopped doing that after two months, he didn’t say anything either when Soobin showed him the egg tarts, he just glanced at them, taking them in, but didn’t move towards them, didn’t take them to eat, it made something close to dismay climb up to the older’s throat.</p><p>“I brought you this too, I know you haven’t finished the others but I found this the other day and I thought of you” kai didn’t acknowledge the book either, even when Soobin put it on his lap, kai made an uncommitted sound, it was the closest thing to a thanks Soobin was sure to obtain from him today; it didn’t matter, something was something and Soobin learned to appreciate the small things like that. </p><p>Soobin wanted to say something like, you look better or Beomgyu misses you, but those words died in his throat each time he took a breath to speak, it made him feel useless, not knowing what to say, even after all this time, he thought he must’ve already learned how to go through this visits each month, only to be knocked off his feet by disappointment, he was no better than before, still too unsure, still too lost. </p><p>Kai looked at the book after some time, he pushed it further up his lap so it didn’t fall to the floor and then turned to look outside the window again, the blue flowers slapped against the glass once more, the sound of the wind dancing between the tree leaves filled the silence of the lack of words. </p><p>Soobin traced the features of the younger with his eyes, he followed the deep brown eyebrows covered by the ruffled hair onto the sweet eyes of his boyfriend, he looked at the way the irises moved following the movement of something from the outside, dull and a little too tired, he saw the purple circles underneath them and how his cheeks had sunk, the now pale skin stretching over the bone, he travelled through the chapped lips which had patches of a darker red on some parts giving away the fact that Kai had been pulling at them again. </p><p>He saw the way the younger held himself, drowning in a sweater Soobin had given him for his birthday just a week ago, Kai turned eighteen, and Soobin knew it was a blessing, knew it was not likely to last much more, so he looked at the young man he loved so much it hurt to breath, and tried not to cry again, he wasn’t the one who was suffering here, kai was worse, kai needed support, Soobin wouldn’t dare to cry in front of him right then, it would be selfish to do it. </p><p>The younger had lost weight, each time he came back it seemed like kai was letting himself go a little bit more, Soobin felt a little angry at that, didn’t they were supposed to take care of him here? Shouldn’t they be trying harder to make the younger better? Shouldn’t he help too? Be more than a useless burden to the younger? </p><p>“you want to go outside?” he asked, and then frowned because he wasn’t sure kai was allowed to go outside anymore, kai moved then, seemingly taken out of his train of thought now, Soobin moved too, turning his body to face the younger better, kai sighed looking down at the book again and tracing the letters of the name, he smiled, small and barely there, but it was something. </p><p>“it’s pretty,” he said, taking about the image in the front page of the book, Soobin nodded smiling at his boyfriend “yes, tae said I shouldn’t but it reminded me of you so I bought it, at least for you to have something else to do here,” Soobin bit his lip in regret, he didn’t want to remind the younger that he was trapped inside the building until further notice, kai didn’t seem to mind the words, still looking down at the book. </p><p>“let me grab a jacket and well go outside,” Kai said, his voice so tender, a little too low, a little too different from the voice held close to his heart from countless different memories of years spent together, but Soobin didn’t want to count the differences from before and after, even if the mental list was engraved inside his mind, it only made things look bleaker. </p><p>The air bit at their faces, harsh wind billowing through the trees and innocent flowers, tearing everything apart, or at least that’s how Soobin saw it, he had taken the tarts with him, just outside in the bench next to the glass doors while he waited for his boyfriend to come back, Soobin watched as everything moved around him,  hearing the fallen leaves fly and crash against the ground, it all felt a little too depressing, and a voice inside his head that sounded too much like Yeonjun Hyung was telling him he should have stayed home.<br/>
But his fear was stronger, and so here he was, holding on for dear like to the paper bag containing the tarts, blinking back tears for no apparent reason. </p><p>It was the 21st, the six month anniversary of Kai’s attempted suicide, he just wanted to have the younger close today, he craved the knowledge that Kai was still alive and breathing, even if it felt like he was wasting away there, he at least could see him alive, he found himself wondering sometimes if it was worth it. </p><p>Soobin could still see him there, laying on the bed, sick and pale with a bunch of empty bottle pills surrounding him, Soobin could see it so clearly some times, the memory haunted him most nights when he was alone in their apartment, he had moved their things to the guest room after that, not daring to sleep on that bed again. </p><p>The door opened slowly, kai coming outside with a grey jacket that made him look like a marshmallow from how big it was, Soobin found it endearing, to say the least, and smiled genuinely for the first time since he stepped a foot inside the hospital, Kai’s cheeks soon turned pink from the wind just like the tip of his nose, and it contrasted significantly with the paleness of his skin. </p><p>Soobin stood up and offered his hand to the younger, kai latched himself to Soobin entire arm, needing the warmth, and the older didn’t care, feeling a few sparks of fondness light up inside his stomach, the act reminded him of their early walks close to the Han River, where kai would whine Because he was cold too, and then proceeded to attach himself to the taller’s side, giggling at the reaction of a flustered Soobin, and then kissing him lightly on the cheek. </p><p>Now though, kai just seemed too tired to do much more than to hold on to his boyfriend, leaning his head over Soobin’s shoulder and then proceed to fall into an easy step with the older. They walked aimlessly for a while, Soobin trying to fill the silence with stories about his days, or talking about the books he was reading now, knowing hyuka didn’t speak much this days anymore. </p><p>Kai guided him at some point towards a specific part of the garden, towards what it seemed to be freshly planted flowerbeds of different kinds, and then signalled to one in the far corner, his lips mouthing mine, but no sound actually leaving his mouth; they walked closer to it and Soobin read the small sing, “carnations” Soobin smiled at it “isn’t it too late to plant flowers?” he asked and kai shrugged, leaning more into his boyfriend, Soobin didn’t say anything else and then walked them to a small table close to the building. </p><p>He pulled the tarts out, even if they were a little too cold now he wanted to see kai eat something “eat with me?” kai nodded, taking the food from Soobin and taking a small bite, looking like a hamster with his oversized puffy jacket and messy brown hair, he was ethereal, even at his lowest, he was beautiful. </p><p>Soobin stole a picture of the younger when he was eating, knowing he will stare at the picture for hours on end on his lonely nights, “you’re beautiful,” kai stopped mid chewing and looked at Soobin, a ghost of a shadow passing through his dark eyes, kai looked at him for several moments, moving his eyes though the older’s features, much like Soobin had done before, his eyes were full of emotions that Soobin could no longer decipher, so profound and deep, Soobin felt like he could drown in those eyes forever. </p><p>“I love you,” kai answered and Soobin smiled sheepishly, dimples forming on his cheeks “love you too Huening – ah.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So that was it, I really do hope you enjoyed it, I'm sorry for any mistakes, please do tell me what it made you feel like, I would like to know how this piece of work touches you.</p><p>Anyway, these past few days haven't been the best, all in all, we're still in quarantine and things just seem to go downhill lately, I've got stuck home, and had to see how in the hell I'm going to get out of here with everything closed, this truly just made my existence more difficult, BUT at least I can write more now.<br/>Please please tell me if you liked it and maybe if there are enough people that liked it a part two? It can be more depressing or turn towards a happier end, but I don't know if it's worth it, I pretty much liked it like this but maybe do another mini-chapter just for the fun of it later.</p><p>I hope you're fine in these difficult days.<br/>With love, Mars</p></blockquote></div></div>
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